Are We There Yet?
by Obi the Kid
Summary: A good ole fashioned Yappy Obi story for all his dedicated fans. Obi-Wan pesters Qui-Gon on their way to begin a mission. As usual, consider Obi-Wan about 13 years old in this story.


TITLE: Are We There Yet?

AUTHOR: Obi the Kid

RATING: G

SUMMARY: Humor. A good ole fashioned Yappy Obi story for all his dedicated fans. Obi-Wan pesters Qui-Gon on their way to begin a mission. As usual, consider Obi-Wan about 13 years old in this story.

My Website: .com/movies/obithekid/

DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. I make no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.

~*~

"Master, are we there yet?"

"For the last time, Obi-Wan. No."

"But we've been on this transport forever. My butt is numb and I'm tired of looking at fields of nothing but grass and crops. It's boring. Why is this planet so big and why do we have to travel by the slowest means in the history of man?"

"This is the type of transport they use on this planet, Padawan. Speed is limited so the crops are not disturbed. These people rely on those crops to survive."

"Old ladies on jamaroos are passing us by, Master. And jamaroos are the slowest animal on this side of the galaxy. By the time we get to where we're going…where are we going anyway, Master? It's been so long since we left to go there, I've forgotten."

"You are not funny, Obi-Wan."

"Yes, I am."

"No, you're not."

"Master Bren thinks I am."

"Good for her. And if she was here, you could amuse her. But she's not."

"Only because you didn't want her along because you know the ladies around here are desperate for attention, and you think she'd be jealous of all the attention you've been getting. Then she'd have to kill you for flirting with them. Then you would be dead and I would have to find a new master to break in, and I don't think I can handle that kind of pressure. So, really you didn't want her along because you care about me."

"Your backwards logic doesn't work on me anymore, Obi-Wan. Bren is not here because she is not needed here. It's not because I care about you."

"You don't care about me?"

"I didn't say that."

"Then you love me?"

"I didn't say that either."

"Master!"

"Aren't you supposed to be studying your lessons on your datapad? The village where we are going, you should be learning about that village."

"That's boring."

"But necessary."

"There's nothing to know, Master. They have lots of grass and crops here. No trees. No livestock. It's just one giant flat green field of blah."

"Don't be so quick to judge, Obi-Wan. Remember that planet last year when you thought there was nothing but vast desert? Then we discovered the underground cities?"

"Yes, but that was different."

"Why was it different?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Just because. That was then. This is now. Master, are we there yet?"

"I can have you dropped off."

"Here?"

"Sure."

"Um, no."

"Master, I love you."

"You've tried that old tactic before. Try something new, Obi-Wan."

"Hug me?"

"Obi-Wan, stop it."

"What?"

"Is it too much to ask that you behave?"

"Yes."

"Can we call Master Bren and tell her how boring this is and that she should be glad she's not here?"

"No, Bren doesn't need to know where we are and what we're doing all the time."

"But I'm bored, Master!"

"So I've heard."

"Can we call Master Mace and make fun of his shaved legs and addiction to holo-soaps?"

"Tempting, but no."

"Can we call Medusa and remind her to feed her snakes?"

"The council does not need to hear from us."

"Can we call Master Yoda and ask him who he's talking down to today?

"No. Obi-Wan, please."

"Can I sleep?"

"If it means you'll be quiet for a while, yes."

"I need a pillow."

"Pretend."

"Can't. Can I use you?"

"Nowhere in my job description does it say that I need to be a pillow for my apprentice. So, I'm going to say…no."

"Can I just lean against you?"

"You promise not to hug or leech me?"

"You are so not any fun, Master."

"Yes, I know. Promise?"

"Yes, I promise. Sheesh. I've got to scoot closer though and lean into your shoulder like…ahhhh. That's nice, Master. You have a comfy shoulder for a guy who doesn't eat bread."

"Keep your hands off me, Obi-Wan. You can lean and nothing else. I need my boundaries. And what does eating bread have to do with anything?"

"When I wake up, will we be there, Master?"

"I don't know. Depends on how long you sleep."

"Okay, I'll try anyway. Goodnight, Master, even though it's daylight out."

"Sleep well, Padawan."

"Awww, thanks, Master. You do love me."

"Obi-Wan, hush or I will hush you."

~*~ Hours later ~*~

"That was a good sleep, Master. Are we there yet?"

"No."

"How long have I been asleep?"

"Three hours, fourteen minutes and six point five seconds."

"Are you sure that's exact?"

"Shut up, Obi-Wan."

"Are we close to being there?"

"No."

"By the time we get there, the problem will have fixed itself."

"It's possible."

"Then we should just go home. Can we get this slug to turn around?"

"Hush."

"This is a stupid mission, Master. A mission to see how long we can sit in a transport staring at crops and grass before we die of inactivity. Master Mace gave us this mission, didn't he?"

"He did."

"A week ago, right?"

"Yes."

"In the evening?"

"Yes. Obi-Wan, is there something you aren't telling me?"

"Nope."

"Lie and you'll never get another hug from me again."

"I never get hugs now. So really that's not much punishment, Master."

"And no more Lima holos."

"You play dirty. Okay, I know something."

"And?"

"I sort of let slip out that Master Mace is addicted to holo-soaps and that he shaves and waxes his legs."

"Let slip out?"

"Well, I blabbed it to my piloting class last week."

"And your teacher heard it and told Mace?"

"Well, not exactly. Master Mace was our teacher."

"Obi-Wan!"

"Well, it's true! He does shave and wax and watch holo-soaps. I think us padawans have a right to know these things. We are the future. And are condemned to repeat the failures of our current Council if we don't know what they really are. Do you want me to grow up to be a leg waxing, holo-soap addicted, bald man who can't perform a death scene if it was his last desperate act to save the galaxy?"

"What?"

"Just answer the question, Master."

"No, I don't want that of you. But I also don't want you running your lips off to the Council while I am your teacher. They just take it out on me."

"By giving you missions where you do nothing but stare at fields of grass?"

"By making me spend alone time, long tedious hours, with you."

"Wow. That is punishment. I can be irritating. I even drive myself crazy sometimes."

"Then why do you do it?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"I'm a happy kid, Master! I can't help myself. Would you rather have Xanatos back? Or worse…Ani?"

"Who?"

"Oooooooh look, Master. More grass."

"Who is Ani?"

"And crops. Maybe we should get out and push. Or just walk. Walking is good cardio. And I think we would have arrived in the village eight hours ago. What was that noise"?

"The engine stopped."

"Good, we can walk now."

"Obi-Wan, have you noticed anything at all about that grass out there? About those crops?"

"Um, they are green. And they grow. And they are…grassy?"

"Anything else?"

"They are hmm…edible, maybe?"

"Have you noticed that they are all growing in water?"

"Oh um…no?"

"Had you read about this planet, had you even listened to our transport pilot, you would have understood this. The grasses and crops grow in about four feet of water. So, you can get out and walk if you'd like. Or swim perhaps."

"Ah, I think I'll stay here with you, Master. And maybe I'll shut up for a while."

"I think that's a wonderful idea, Padawan."

"Although I still think I can get there faster on my own."

"The water in which the crops grow is a few degrees above freezing."

"Oh."

"The mud under the crops is over a foot deep."

"Hmm."

"Anymore cracks about speed?"

"No, I'm done."

"Good. Now, while we wait for the engine to restart and for the remainder of our trip, dig into that endless imagination of yours and figure me a way to get back at Mace for this."

"Ha! I knew you had sneaky in there somewhere, Master."

"I learned from the best."

"Me?"

"You are good for something, Obi-Wan."

"A back handed compliment and partial slam, but I'll take it. Thank you, Master!"

"Anytime. Now start thinking. And don't say a word until you've come up with an idea for him."

"You got it, Master! Not a word."

"Promise?"

"Promise!"

"Good."

"Wait a minute. You tricked me into being quiet."

"You did say I was sneaky, did you not, Padawan?"

"I did. And you are. Okay, shutting up now. Oh, but, Master…"

"Shhh."

"But…"

"Quiet means no words, no talking, no sounds. Hush."

"But, Master, all this talk about water…I have to use the bathroom. But there isn't one."

"Then you hold it."

"I don't have that kind of power."

"Learn it."

"But all that water outside, no one will know if I…"

"Don't even say it. Stay in your seat. Stay away from the door."

"Masterrrrr!"

"Control. As a Jedi you must learn control above all else. What better way to learn than through use of your bladder."

"Or lack of use. If my bladder explodes, it's your fault."

"You'll survive. Now, stop talking."

"Master Qui-Gon, please!"

"No begging."

"No begging. No talking. No peeing. This is padawan brutality."

"No, this is life. Deal with it."

"Hey, the engine started again. We're on our way. Wait…the engine stopped again. Huh?"

_//All passengers for the village of Aqueous, we have arrived at your destination. Please depart the ship.//_

"Really? All that time we were stalled and we were two FEET from our stop?"

"Funny, isn't it?"

"No. And you knew all about this too, Master. This was another test of yours. Why can't you test on easy things? Stuff I'm good at? I'm not good at holding my bladder. That was evil."

"I know."

"Let's get off this thing and find a bathroom."

"But you did learn something from this, didn't you, Obi-Wan?"

"Yes. Never drink a sip of anything when I know I'm going on a trip with you."

"True. What else?"

"They shouldn't build villages in places that aren't accessible within an hour of landing on the planet."

"Well…"

"Never blab my big mouth to a Council member that hates your guts."

"That's the one I was looking for."

"Master Mace will hate the day that he was Obi-Wan Kenobi's pilot class teacher once I figure out to how to revenge him."

"That's my, Obi-Wan."

"He's gonna get it, Master. Revenge of the Padawan."

"Good boy, Obi-Wan. Hug?"

"Not right now, Master. If I lose my train of thought, I'll never come up with a revenge idea…uh…um…what did you say?"

"I said…oh, never mind. Let's go find a bathroom."

"No, Master! Really. What did you say? Did you say hug? I can take a minute to hug you. I can! And I can still come up with a good revenge idea too. You said it. Master, come back! Stop walking so fast. You said hug, I know you did. This is just another stupid lesson of yours, isn't it? You thought I wouldn't hear you say the word. But you did. I know it. Master, stop running. My legs can't go that fast. Revenge will be even sweeter if I can have a hug to energize myself. Just a little one! I won't leech. I won't cling. I won't even talk. Just a simple, quick hug. Is that too much to ask after ten hours spent in a transport to go three miles? A hug…just one little hug. Just…Master, this is so unfair! If I ever catch up to you, you'll see how unfair it is. I won't talk to you for the entire mission. No wait, scratch that. You'd enjoy that. I won't um…no, that won't work. JUST ONE HUG, MASTER! COME BACKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

END


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